I am in a vortex of obligation.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
