Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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