The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i think my cat just said my name.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
