He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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