I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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