I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
