someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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