I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
