I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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