I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
