I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
