the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
