The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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