found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
