Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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