Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Randomize
