you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
