tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I party with great urgency now.
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