dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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