i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
