and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
