Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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