I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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