Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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