Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
