I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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