she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
