I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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