the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
