my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
