I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
