I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
