My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
