I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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