if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
