I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
