If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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