Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
