i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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