my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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