Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
