someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had sex bonerless
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
