You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
