There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
