DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
