So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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