the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
