life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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