Kiss
Puke
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I believe in your delicious
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
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