Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
