He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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