Who did Billy Mays play for?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Randomize
